clarity.

This morning, I went for a run and the boys came with. They played at the park while I ran around it in circles. First of all, the weather was spectacular--which instantly puts me in a good mood. Second, it was super cloudy & overcast--which always makes me happy. No way around it, it was a good morning.

But it got better; and I don't want to forget this. While I was running, I felt SO incredibly happy. Like I had just swallowed a handful of happy pills. I had my new ipod nano/touch/shuffle (i dunno what its called) on (that jer won last week at a work party, yes!), and I couldn't stop smiling. The sky was beautiful. I looked at my two boys and I felt so complete. I realized how lucky I am to be able to run. I feel so healthy, more in shape than I ever have. I thought about my life, and all I could think of were wonderful things about it. There was not a speck of negativity in sight. I love that running does that--banishes the blues. I feel happy with my new calling--back in Young Women's, this time with a small group of the cutest, sweetest beehives. I feel happy in our new neighborhood, and in our cute house by the blue park. Maybe it just took some time, cause I was the saddest I had ever been when we first moved.

After 2.5 years of trying, I am finally feeling ok with the fact that maybe two kids is all I'll get. It's ok, because they are the best two boys I could ever imagine spending my life with. I am happy, and I will no longer feel pity for myself about this trial. I do know my Heavenly Father loves me, looking at my two boys is all the proof I need. Any doubts that I have had that maybe He is mad at me or that I don't deserve to have more kids---gone. Shame on me for ever thinking that. I may not know the reason, but I have faith that this will all work out. Even if its not the way I wanted it to.

Life is so good.

10 years

Today is our anniversary. A few weeks ago, I helped cater a wedding for an 18 year old girl who had just graduated in May. I thought, wow, she is still a little girl! That was me. Graduated in May, married in December. Hard to believe I knew what I was doing at that age. I really didn't. But one thing I did know about Jer was his ability to unconditionally love me.

That's all I needed to know. Even though I didn't know much about how to be a wife or a mother or about the trials we would face, I knew that he was the guy to do it with. I knew he would make it possible for us to defy the odds and be happy together for a lifetime and more...

Tonight after Kosty got showered and in his jammies, he came out into the family room and layed in his gigantic pile of legos. He laid there, making 'snow angels' in his lego pile. Then he grabbed handfuls of his legos and poured them on himself again and again while he repeated..."i love legos...i love legos...i love legos...."

It was a sight. And we were all laughing hard.

But then, I started thinking. And I thought of a horrible & terrible thought. I thought about the day that he no longer plays with legos. It made me deeply deeply sad. Like a sadness I don't think I've ever felt. Maybe its because legos really are his passion, and it was incredibly sad to think of them no longer in his life.

So depressing, I know. Over dramatic, yes. But really, I had never felt like that before. I love my little lego builder. And I hope he never outgrows them. There are 30 year old men that work at the lego store, you know. And if you've ever talked to them, you can see that eager-little-lego-building-boy inside and realize that some boys never really do grow out of it. Kosty, if you do fulfill your dream of working at the lego store someday, it will make my heart happy. That's all.

the polar express.

I've always wanted to take the boys on the Polar Express. Every year we say, 'maybe next year'. This year we decided with Brayden getting older, we better do it now, for reals. Brayden got the stomach flu the day before and I was SO sad that I was going to have to cancel our fun plans, but miraculously he recovered in time to leave the next afternoon. I packed the bags, told them to load up in the car, and we picked up Jer on the way out of town. They had no idea where we were heading, and I intended on keeping it a surprise until the train pulled up. Brayden was full of guesses, most of which were very close, but I ignored all of his questions and told him to hush it and not ruin the surprise. He asked: Does it have to do with snow? are we staying in a hotel? does it have a pool? did you bring my swimsuit? did you bring snow clothes? are we going to the Grand Canyon? does it have something to do with Santa? etc etc etc...

We finally got to the hotel, set down our bags, and then hopped back in the car to eat dinner. Williams, AZ is a tiny little town with a cute little main street with shops all lit up with Christmas lights. However, oddly enough, most of the shops/restaurants were closed. We found "Cruiser's Cafe" and it was lit up like a Christmas tree. It was really cute on the inside and the food was surprisingly good.

Then the kids put on their jammies and we headed to the train station. Brayden read "Train Station" when we got there, so he knew it was a train ride but he didn't know it was the Polar Express until we boarded. He was a little skeptical of a train really taking us to the North Pole, but he went with it anyway. They served hot chocolate and cookies, read the book, and then we arrived at the North Pole where Santa and his sleigh were waiting. Santa hopped on the train and hugged every child and talked to them while he gave them each a bell. It was so much fun. I'm so glad we finally did it.

Jer thought I was purely evil at this point. We were waiting with Mrs. Claus in Santa's headquarters for the train to arrive. They had coloring crafts and letters to Santa to fill out. I encouraged Kosty to apologize for the tantrums he had thrown a few days prior. He thought it was a great idea and I helped him spell it out. Cute, isn't it?

The next day, we planned on going to the Grand Canyon, but decided not to since we didn't think the boys would appreciate it that much. Or maybe when it was when Kosty said, "What? a big giant hole that you look at then leave? BORING!" Instead, we woke up and ate breakfast at the hotel and let the boys swim in the hotel pool, then we went into Flagstaff, found a patch of snow for them to play in, ate lunch, and then saw the movie "Tangled" before heading home. It was a super quick trip, but packed full with memories & good family bonding! I love this little family of mine.

they found a gutsy squirrel that came right up to them and then they chased it for a while.

winter carnival

Jer's dad works for SRP, and every year they have this fun winter carnival for all its employees and their families. This year we finally caught Santa arriving by helicopter. Every year I get on that dang ferris wheel my heights anxiety is more severe. This year was no exception, it freaks me out! The kettle corn is the best ever ever ever there, and we were so close to skipping it when we saw the line, but Grandma stood in it for 30+ minutes while the kids played in the snow.

bad chel.

this morning I went for a run and as I was on my last lap, I noticed the missed call from my sister. Being out of breath & knowing I was about to hop in the shower, I ignored her call, choosing to call her at a better time. When I got out of the shower, I saw that she had called a few more times....I answered, "sheesh, can't a girl take a shower?!"

her response...."well a 30 minute shower? I was just checking on you to make sure you were safe. I had a dream that you died last night, and it was the saddest thing ever watching jeremy & the boys without you. Brayden was still carrying around all your *mimi's..."

Ok, I felt pretty bad. Thanks sis for checking on me :) LOVE YOU big time.

*mimi's are my special 'undergarments' that Brayden has been attached to since he was a nursing baby.

hey, tough guy.

Oh my goodness. This cracked me up. While Jer & I were out front putting lights and garland up, the boys were playing in the front yard, and it was super hot that day. Kosty always rips off his shirt when he gets hot. So off went the shirt, then he went inside and got a drink with a straw and a pillow, and sat down on the bench. He must of felt like he was looking pretty cool, because then he went to the car for his sunglasses and told me to come take a picture. Brayden was quick to follow his lead. Two macho little men. Well one macho little man, and one who is way too sweet to ever act macho. Kosty kills me!