tiny tyrant vs. the gentle giant.

Brayden proudly tells people about what I nicknamed each of them. He loves that he is the gentle giant. Being good makes him feel good. For some reason, being naughty seems to make Kosty feel good. Maybe good is the wrong word. He seems to feel cool, or powerful when he misbehaves. I have been more than frustrated with him today. Usually you hear of the older brother that bullies the little brother, but its so the opposite here. Tonight I found myself googling for help. "what to do with a child that hits"...."what to do when the younger sibling bullies the older sibling"...."what to do when time outs don't work".... I just really think there should be a parent help line. When you are at your wits end you would have someone to call that actually have proven methods and solid advice. Like a team of SuperNannies. People that are experts in misbehaving children. Why does this not exist?


So yes, Kosty has always hit brayden on a regular basis. To him, its like breathing. Brayden is so used to it that he doesn't ever even flinch. And he NEVER hits back. Its not always vicious either. Sometimes he does it like a "love pat" type of hit, purely for attention. Sometimes he just walks by and smacks him, for the fun of it. But all I know is, it is getting out of hand. The more I try to stop it, the worse it gets. I have tried grounding, time outs, lock outs, taking away tv, video games, friends, toys, etc. Brayden's aunt suggested he hit him back...super hard..just once. I agreed, maybe that would do the trick. But its just not in Brayden's nature. I just need to nip this, and NOW.


So on my google search tonight, I found this on positivediscipline.com:


   Suggestions

1. Take the child by the hand and say, "It is not okay to hit people. I'm sorry you are feeling hurt and upset. You can talk about it or you can hit this pillow, but people aren't for hitting."
2. Help the child deal with the anger. (See Angry Child.) 
3. Ask, "Would it help you to go to your time-out spot now?" Time out is not helpful unless the child has helped create a positive time out spot in advance. (See No. 3 in Planning Ahead.) Also, time out is not helpful if the child does not see the benefit and chooses it. If you "make" your child go to time out, your child is likely to see it as punishment and may rebel.
4. After the child has calmed down, ask what and how questions. "What is upsetting you? How are you feeling?" See if you can get to the bottom of what is really bothering your child and then help the child discover what other things he or she could do besides hitting to deal with the problem. (Children under four years of age do not understand abstract reasoning. This is one reason why lectures are not effective at this age. There are other reasons why lectures are ineffective at any age.)
5. With children under four, try giving them a hug before removing them from the situation. This models a loving method while showing them that hitting is not okay. Hugging does not reinforce the misbehavior. (See The Primary Goal of All People, p. 32.)
6. Even though toddlers don't fully comprehend language, you can still use words (while removing them) such as, "Hitting hurts people. Let's find something else you can enjoy doing."
7. When babies hit you, put them down and leave the room immediately for a minute or two without saying a word. At this age, they will understand actions better than words.
8. When your preschooler hits you, decide what you will do instead of trying to control your child. Let her know that every time she hits you, you will leave the room until she is ready to treat you respectfully. After you have told her this once, follow through without any words. Leave immediately.
9. Later you might tell your child, "That really hurts" or "That hurts my feelings. When you are ready, an apology would help me feel better." Do not demand or force an apology. The main purpose of this suggestion is to give a model of sharing what you feel and asking for what you would like. People don't always give us what we would like, but we show respect for ourselves by sharing our feelings and wishes in non-demanding ways.

I'm sure none of you have this issue, but I knew if I posted it, I would have it here always to refer to. 

Brayden came home from school the other day and asked me what a "softie" was. He told me that while he was working on his barracuda report, a couple kids in his class commented on his drawing of the barracuda looked "cute." Obviously, a barracuda is a vicious looking fish, but they were laughing and saying that Brayden was incapable of making something look mean. One of the kids yelled, "Brayden's a softie! Brayden's a softie!" 


I told him how much I loved that 'insult' and what a compliment it really is. Brayden is SUCH a softie, just like his dad, and I think its his best quality. He has the sweetest heart and he is so sensitive to others. I am so happy he is mine! 

I've been doing very poorly on documenting life! Even if there are no pictures or events, I know I still need to journal. 

Yesterday, I had a serious and sad conversation with the boys. Kosty and I were out front and he was playing with the hose. I noticed my neighbor who lives across & a few houses down come out of her backyard gate and slam the door. Then I heard her little girl crying on the other side. She was honking this little horn on her bike and crying, "Mommy, Mommy!" The mom sat down and lit up a cigarette, ignoring her. I watched as she took deep inhales and exhales, ignoring her baby on the other side of the gate who obviously felt confused & abandoned. She continued to cry, honk and yell out "mommy" to no avail. Eventually, the mom said, "stop it! go ride your bike." Kosty was wide eyed and we were both very upset to see this go on. He looked at me and said, "I think that baby wants her mom, why won't she open the gate?" It broke my heart. I brought him in and I sat them both at the kitchen table. I told them how heartbreaking it was to watch this scene out front and then I explained to them that the mom is not a bad person, but becoming addicted to something like cigarettes, leaves you selfish. Once you are addicted, you no longer have choices, you are a slave to the addiction. You can't think about the baby who needs you, or anyone else in that moment, because your body 'needs' to get the next cigarette, etc.. 

Anyway, it led right into the Word of Wisdom and I told them how much Heavenly Father wants us to take care of our bodies and doesn't want us to try these things even once, we don't know our strength, and we don't know what we will become addicted to and what we won't. I made them promise to always keep their bodies clean and pure, and free from the things that could trap them. Brayden promised right away, and I promised them as well that I would never become addicted to anything so that I could be the best mom I knew how. In true Kosty fashion, always keeping me on my toes, he asked me, "could I like, try it once?" 

10k

A sweet lady in my new ward, Christy, set up a 10k back in April. We went from her house to almost Higley High and back. I've never run more than 5 miles, and a 10k is just 6.2, but I was a little nervous. Mostly because we woke to rain and freezing cold. I never did warm up, but I was able to maintain a fast pace solely due to one girl, Amanda (to the right of me) who kept me going and had a lot to chat about. (nobody brought music--I was unsure about that too) She was the perfect person to run with and made the time fly by! I never felt that tired-I-can't-do-this-feeling, which I do feel sometimes when I'm alone listening to music. It was like 50 degrees and rained the entire time. It even hailed at one point. The rest of April's weather was fabulous, it was just a freaky day. Christy made headbands and numbers for us and had her garage filled with bagels, fruit, hot chocolate, etc. It was a really good time, and I was glad to be a part of it! 

father n sons campout

Kosty fell asleep during the fireside, and before any smore making. When Jer carried him to the tent, he woke up and was just a little bit ticked. He didn't want to go to bed but he was too grouchy and tired to come back to the fun. 

What on earth is this?? Jer text it to me and it just confused me. Is he falling asleep? bored out of his mind? sad?  Well anyway, it was also during the fireside. 

I will admit, it is kinda cool to have only boys when it comes to father n sons weekend. I never send our real camera with jer, but he is always over confident in his iphone capabilities. As you can see, the pics are not too great. Every single year, I pack ONE change of clothes, and ONE set of pajamas. Every single year, they come home in the same clothes I last saw them in. I think next year, I'll just pack food. The boys really wanted to go fishing, but there was no place to do it where they were camping. So, they got home and went straight to the Power Ranch lake and caught one there. The boys were a little concerned about the fact that a sharp hook goes through their mouth. They didn't want to hurt any more fish, so one was more than enough. I'm so glad Jer is a good dad and does these things with them. 

 the last time we went to Desert Breeze park (in chandler) was when Kosty was 2 ish and Brayden was 5 ish. I remember they loved it so much and played for hours in the splash park and on the playground. We were looking for something to do (outdoors since time is running out to enjoy this weather) a few weekends ago and we decided to go there. It wasn't like I remembered it, it seemed so much smaller, not as fun... but I realized that my perception was different due to the fact that my kids are getting so big. Brayden felt too old to be playing on the playground. Brayden's size has some disadvantages, he's only 8, but he looks (and probably feels) like a 10 year old in situations like these. We walked over to the splash pad and he noticed all the toddlers, and again he felt too big. We rode the train & got popsicles, and that was fun but everything was so different now with my 2 big boys! I was trying not to get too down about it, but it made me sad to see that we are 'growing out of' park days. Like, really sad. While Kosty is still park age, when he sees his big brother not exactly into it, I think it loses its appeal. Things turned around on the tire swing, thank goodness for that. They had a glorious time on that thing. 

I know there are wonderful things about my kids getting older. But sometimes its sad, and that's all there is to it.

Easter.

The Easter tradition I care most about is taking the kids to the Easter Pageant. Even though its far and late for the kids, I hope this is something we stick with no matter what. This year Kosty fell asleep pretty early into the pageant, and I was sad about that. But Brayden was really into it and asked a ton of questions. He was so curious about the Gethsemane scene, and wanted to know if Jesus felt the pain of him getting his staples, stitches, etc. I was trying to explain to him that the emotional and spiritual pain he took upon himself for us was far worse than those types of physical injuries. Sometimes, I feel like my words just don't come out right when explaining these things, but I hope my kids still 'get it'.  There was a sweet older couple sitting behind us, and she had her head on his shoulder and he was rubbing her arm  the whole time. (You can see them behind Kosty in the pic) They were so dang cute. You could tell that they just loved each other to bits. They had no kids or grand kids with them either. I hope we always do have kids to go with, but even if its just the two of us, I hope we still come. 

This year, one of our new neighbors set up an egg hunt in our greenbelt area. It was nice not to have to drive anywhere or fight crowds to have a quick egg hunt. There were 5 kids who came to the egg hunt about 10 minutes too late, and they had no eggs in their baskets. I asked  Bray & Kosty to go share some of his eggs with each of them, I was sort of expecting Kosty to whine a bit about this, but he didn't. He was SUPER generous and shared so many that he only had a few left for himself. I was so proud of him. Of course, we dyed eggs, and the kids woke up to find different colored yarn tied to each of their beds. They had to follow the yarn to find their Easter baskets. It was our first time doing it this way, and it was kinda fun. 

After church, we went to my Dad's house and ate and then had a big family game of kickball (the kickball was one of those giant exercise balls) on the grassy hill by the lake. It was really fun, until it got a little more competitive and Brayden got slammed by the ball. He was crying and had the air knocked out, headache, etc. But I think mostly his feelings & pride were hurt. :)

 it was like pure torture trying to get a normal picture after church. Jer came out and scolded me (not really-ha) about the boys being on the dusty bench in their church clothes. So he decided they should sit on the gate instead. Maybe one of these days we will get with the times and get a tripod or something so we can all be in the picture.