I meet my fate tomorrow. The bishopric called and said they have a calling for me. And that Jeremy should come for support.(??) I have been fully enjoying being calling-less, so I am unexcited. I am really hoping for Visiting Teaching Supervisor. Its true I'm at the "easy" stage in life, in regards to my kids & their ages. I even have 3 hours alone every day. But I feel lazier. Only with certain things. I am exercising more and still cooking (almost) every night. But lazy in the sense of church stuff and kid stuff and cleaning. I find myself cutting corners and simplifying everything as if the slightest thing will overwhelm me. I love having open weeknights, not stressing about preparing a lesson, and relaxing in RS and Sunday School with my no responsibility. Also, its fast Sunday. I know its bad, but I dread fast Sunday. I am such a breakfast person and not drinking water just kills me. Heaven knows we should be fasting every chance we get & having a good attitude about it. But I wish I could just get pregnant so I don't have to fast anymore. Brayden is also going to attempt his first fast tomorrow, I wonder if he can take it? he is the hungriest boy. I feel sorry for him already.

and now I'm off to drink 8 glasses of water so it will take the edge off my thirstiness tomorrow :(

*told you I'm going to be more blunt in my posts.

Blogging is such a good thing. I have been able to turn my families' pictures and memories into hard bound books every year since i started. I think its a great way to keep in touch with people you normally probably wouldn't, and also a way to enjoy memories of people close to you with just a click. At first I told myself that I would feel comfortable sharing highs and lows with whoever is on my private reader list. But lately I have found myself hesitating at many of my thoughts and posts. I don't like it.

I recently heard someone's husband say that he doesn't like when his wife looks at blogs, because all it does is make her envy. Who is doing what, who just bought a house, graduated, got a new job, new car, took a nice trip, had a baby, has a perfect family. I had to (half) agree. I will admit I have felt envy after reading people's blogs. Who hasn't. Or felt that annoying feeling of inadequacy : I could be better physically, spiritually, more crafty, make better meals, make better memories, plan better vacations, be better with my writing, be more creative in my blogging, have better FHE's, teach my children more, have more patience, have a cleaner house, have a bigger family, have more friends, sign my kids up for more sports, host more get togethers, etc. Then there is the blogging pressure: have a better blogging layout, have more updates, have bigger pictures, better pictures, oh wait I need a new nicer camera, etc etc etc etc.

ahhh.

But mostly lately, I have been feeling like the daily little things just aren't being recorded.

Like today Kosty wore his warm jammies without throwing a fit that they "bodder" him, how when I got up this morning, he called for me, "Momma" and patted his hand down next to him because he wanted to snuggle with me in my bed, how I finally got my floors mopped after hmm, 3 months... how right after Brayden & I passed through an intersection on the way to school, there was a huge car accident, and i was front and center watching as multiple people were being worked on, including a small little girl (screaming & crying) was being consoled by a fireman. How when I got home, I found kosty still in his jammies doing his homework at the kitchen table. How Brayden helped me make dinner as part of his scout sign off--he chopped the chicken, snapped ends off of green beans, measured, poured, and stirred, and after we all devoured it (it was Chicken Helper, by the way. HA. it was SOO good & easy), he even loaded the dishwasher. How he had a half day today and we went to Subway which is our half day tradition, just me and him (kosty was at school) and he ate a whole footlong turkey sub. How he got to play at his best friend Alex's and how he thanked me a million times for letting him go. How the Relief Society popped in unexpectedly this evening when I had my zit cream on. How kind they were, and how (surprisingly) happy it made me to have them visit. How all three of them commented on seeing me run in the mornings and how embarrassed I was because lately I've been wearing these weird striped mittens I found in the garage, mismatched socks, and a weird headband to cover my ears. How I got kicked out of my usual yoga spot because kosty didn't want the tv off, and how I did it cramped up in my bathroom instead but it felt sooo great. How I ate my first (of MANY) Reese's BIG CUP, almost an entire bag of dark chocolate covered pomegranates, and a bowl of peanut butter cup ice cream after dinner. How Kosty insisted on making banana splits but was disgusted by the bananas covered in ice cream. How he cracked up at the Lebron James Nike commercial (when he eats the pink donut). How Brayden pulled the blanket over his eyes because he was scared of me & declared my bedtime song "creepy". How we read the longest Santa book ever at bedtime and in his workshop the boys noticed there were no electronics or video games, only wooden toys. How I went through old clothes for a certain family in need and wondered if I should just donate them all because I'm not sure if any more babies are coming our way afterall...

There are about a million 'posts' that enter my mind but never get to become one; because I don't want to seem like I am boasting. Nor complaining. And I hate that.

I tell myself I will write out those things that are more personal to me, but I never do. My hand gets tired. how lazy. Typing is more my thing.

Do I want my kids to know my fears and worries? Do I want them to read those someday? do I want them to read about our trials as a family someday? I do. I want them to know what trials we faced and how we overcame them or what we learned. I want them to know that life was good, but not easy. And I mostly want them to know about the day to day small stuff.

Maybe I'll find a solution in all of this someday other than setting it completely private. But when I think about that option, it feels so free. To write whatever I want, that would feel really good.

But I do love the interaction and the thoughtful comments from those that do comment. I'm just struggling to find a 'win win' as my dad would say...

brayden's baptism

Brayden got baptized on November 20th. It was a very special day. This past month has been so rewarding to watch him prepare for the big day. He was even more kind, even more obedient, stopped complaining about church, read his scriptures every morning, and we spent a lot of time going over packets and discussing baptism. He was really excited for it to come. It was so special seeing him in white, singing a sweet primary song with the other kids getting baptized. He had some great speakers that really spoke from the heart and had everyone tearing up. I couldn't stop smiling and my eyes wouldn't stop filling up with tears. Afterwards, he was really excited that the whole family came over to eat and celebrate. It was a perfect day. I asked him to record his feelings about it on his blog (and in his baptism book) and he did. Click here to read it.

halloween bunco

I forgot to post this earlier, but we had our costume bunco and I loved it, I never dress up unless I'm forced and it always makes me laugh to see what everyone comes as. I died when jenna (cowgirl) came up to my car with her lasso and all. Awesome.

family pics 2010

I was so happy that my older sister was able to do our family pictures this year. Of course we felt completely comfortable with her, so that was really nice. It didn't at all feel unnatural or too posed. My boys kids had a blast throughout the whole session, they loved being in the "wild things jungle" they called it, and they had so much fun. Brittney was so great at just capturing them having fun and it just wasn't a stressful shoot at all. We all loved it. Thanks Britt. Her website is on my sidebar. I highly recommend her, of course!

trunk or/trick or treat

presenting....skeleton boy & little mexican guy! Brayden has picked the most random costumes the last couple years (last year--ice climber). This year he wanted to be a skeleton right up until he tried on this sombrero and declared that it "rocked his world". He got a couple "where's your papers" comments, and even though some thought it might offend, the latino's seemed to love it! Ole!

This was an old guy on stilts at the trunk or treat--he scared Zoe big time.

brayden turns 8.

His birthday breakfast request was a bowl of Oh's. I offered pancakes, crepes, eggs & bacon, french toast, oatmeal, and waffles. Oh's is what he wanted. He was so shocked that we got him a Club Penguin Wii game, but when I saw it circled and starred a million times on his list, and it also had arrows pointing to it that said, "the thing I want the very most!" how could I not?! He kept telling people that he couldn't believe we got it for him and that it was $50 and he thought his mom would never buy it in a million years ;) We also surprised him with the mask hoodie that he begged relelntlessy for when we were in Newport this summer. I must say its much more fun when gifts are really a surprise. I brought him Subway for lunch at school and then after school we had a family party at the park. He was very animated and gracious with each gift he opened (I told kosty to take notes). My sister was so nice to take some pics with her good camera, and I'm so glad because the three I took were all crap. At the end of the day, he told me it was the best birthday ever. (it was also the most simple. yay.)

Dear Brayden,

This is a special year! Eight years old, and your baptism is right around the corner. What to say to you this year? I feel so blessed to have you as my first born. You are such a sweet, loving boy and Kosty is lucky that you are too :) You are witty, smart, and charming. You are also so responsible. Every morning you get ready and do everything there is to do before coming in my room and gently waking me up. (I will forever love you for this because momma likes to sleep till 8 on the dot). But you love your alone time in the morning, you love feeling independent and responsible. You also love to have enough time to watch a little t.v. before you get dressed and eat breakfast. I love when I drop you off in the morning and I see a handful of kids run up to you and sometimes I see arms thrown around you. I am so happy you are well liked. Just a couple weeks ago, I had a parent teacher conference with Mrs. Jones. She was absoultely gushing about your school work, especially your reading and handwriting. She paused and put her hand over her heart as she showed me your neat penmanship. After she was done praising your school work, she continued to tell me about your personality in class. She said that you are smart, but more importantly, you are so kind, very considerate of her and your classmates, so thoughtful, so polite, and such a great example. I was a little embarrassed, but the more she described you, the more my eyes filled up with tears. It is everything a momma wants to hear about her boy. You are just the sweetest boy. I often tell people that you were born an angel and have stayed that way. I really do feel like you came to us this way. So, I don't consider it bragging because I don't credit our parenting, you have always had a tender heart and strived to do the right thing. I love you for that, and for everything else you are. You are one amazing little boy! We are so lucky to have you in our family.

Love,

Momma